SCHEMING SHADOW LORD Win McNamee / GETTY IMAGES “Those units should have gone to SCIENTOLOGY! How can we afford to extinguish the human race if Suri-the rightful leader of our galactic murder armies-spends all her money on kid pilates? BAH! Fine! I’ll show her! I’ll set up a sautéed plasma eel stand during the coming Thanagarian Self-Esteem Procession, and we’ll just SEE who’s more adept at obtaining the greatest sum of gold-pressed latinum! Have a nice moon-cycle, human fools! FOR IT SHALL BE YOUR LAST.”
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maybe a few hundred bucks? “ Blarthagnimum!” Klaaktu squealed, his 13 fleshy tentacles waving as acidic saliva frothed from his mouths. we dunno, Klaaktu! Considering she’s a celebrity and the massive crowd. “She was very sweet and kind, telling everyone to enjoy their day.” “Great Thetan’s ghosts!” bellowed Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII via intergalactic holotubes! “How many Earth monetary units did Suri make with this quaint ‘lemonade stand,’ Ann?” Umm. “ had rainbow Rice Krispie treats and lemonade with signs all around their table for Pride,” said a snoopy spy. What’s up, dearest darlings? Before we launch into a week that will surely be shat upon by the buffoonish DJT (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), let’s peek at the hottest goss-starring Suri Cruise! As we recall, Suri is the daughter of Scientology’s fave cultist, Tom Cruise, and his ex-wife/escapee, Katie Holmes! So what’s she been up to? Promoting capitalism at NYC’s Pride parade! According to Us Weekly, Suri spent Pride Sunday selling lemonade to LGBTQ well-wishers along the parade route. EMPRESS SURI Dia Dipasupil / getty images